Since that moment

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, buddy. I'm ok."

"You're just sad?"

"Yeah...I'm just sad."

"It's going to be ok, daddy. I love you." Our four year old son says as he embraces me with tiny arms made of wire. He's been having to comfort me like this a lot lately and it breaks my heart a little more each time.

I feel as if I'm failing him and your memory. I pray and go to church like I'm supposed to. I go to work every day and support our child. All day long I stay strong, because I have to. Every night I sleep on the couch, because our bed is too big and it reminds me of what's missing. I also found that every time I slept in it, there was a little bit less or your scent still clinging to the unwashed sheets.

I think I died with you on that day in November. I remember it was the worst storm I'd ever seen and the roads outside were treacherous. Jeremy had a fever and we needed to get him something to take it down. We were still such new parents back then and didn't plan ahead for this, which left us staring out into the storm wondering what to do.

"Listen," I told you, "The drug store is just down the street. I'll go and be right back. It won't take 10 minutes."

"Allen, you've never driven on roads like this. I have. Besides, we don't even know if the store is open. I'm going to go and you're not going to fight me on this." Your eyes narrowed to show me your mind had been made up. Then they softened as you told me, "I'll be right back. I love you." Then you kissed me on the cheek and I never saw you again.

My life stopped when I received the news. It feels like ever since then I've never been able to move passed that moment. It's all as raw and painful as it was back then. I keep watching the driveway expecting your car to pull in or waiting for a phone call which will never come.

I look at Jeremy and he's growing up so fast. He asks about you and I'm able to remember a little bit less each time I tell him. Everything about you is fading away from me except the agony of your absence.

Now, he's holding me. Wishing he could make his daddy smile, take all of my pain away so we can be happy together. But he can't. And for that I am so, so sorry.