Thursday, October 18, 2012

Carry the stone

I enter the bar and uncerimoniuosly take my usual booth. To call this place a dive would suggest it had some sort of charm which keeps bringing me here day after day. It doesn’t.

The tables are all coated so thick with grease that if you were to run your finger across their surface you’d pull it back black. It’s been decades since the windows had glass in their frames. They’re boarded up so tight that, even though it’s just before noon, they let in no sunlight. The other patrons plant themselves in stools held together with duct tape and a prayer. When they do get up and move around the air is so thick with dust and smoke it’s more akin to walking through mud than an open room. The jukebox is broken and only plays Hey You by Pink Floyd, but no one ever has the energy to walk over and unplug the damn thing.

Yes, there are other places for us to go; ones filled with celebrations, laughter and long anticipated reunions. Sometimes a particular crowd will get so loud their jovial songs are able to permeate these molding walls. But, no, those aren’t the types of environments for people like me. You could say it’s this bar’s utter desolation which beckons me.

After a few minutes the waitress walks over, sets my drink before me and slinks away without a word. I chug it down with purpose and return it to the table empty. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and look at my fellow patrons. Occasionally you’ll have a guy or one of the more adventurous parties pop in for awhile, but it doesn’t take them long to realize they don’t belong here; not like us regulars. We’re all of us looking for something. You can tell by our constant glances at the door; searching for an arrival which never shows. For as long as I’ve been coming here none of us have uttered a single word; more content to try and drown away our demons in silence.

The waitress brings my second round and, as always, I try with futility to get drunk. The drinks must be more water than ale, because every day I hammer them back from open to close and never achieve so much as a buzz. But I keep trying, because anymore it’s all I know how to do.

Hours pass, though time really is just as meaningless as the alcohol I consume. One of the gentleman at the bar begins to wail loudly and I busy myself with my newly filled glass. The bell above the entrance chimes and after forty long years my wait is over.

There she is standing in the doorway.

Her eyes scan the crowd and when they meet mine she gasps with enough force to cause the dust to dance around her. Her smile causes my eyes to leak and, suddenly, she’s sitting across from me.

“I…” her voice breaks. She looks away and takes a deep breath and begins chewing on her thumbnail. After several moments she clasps her hands on the table in front of her and returns her gaze to me before trying again. “I was hoping I might find you here.”

“Yeah…I figured I’d have ended up in the really bad one too.” She nods and blinks away a tear. “My God, you’re so beautiful.” is the only thing I can bring myself to say.

“Really? I’d asked them to make me look like you’d remember.” She says through the sheepish smile which makes me melt every time.

“Not that I’m not ecstatic to see you, but why are you here?” I ask.

“Isn’t it obvious? I was looking for you.”

“But why? I figured you moved on a long time ago.”

“I got married. Had two kids.” I’m unable to hide a pained expression at the last revelation. “I lived a long life, though that wasn’t something one can simply move on from.”

I nod before saying, “Tell me about your kids.”

“They’re wonderful.” She beams. “A boy and a girl. He became a pharmicist and she teaches fifth grade. They even blessed me with the most amazing grandchildren.”

“And your husband? Did he treat you right?”

“Yes. He was a good, kind man. We were happy.”

“That’s great.” I tell her with as much sincerity as I can muster. “I’m so very happy for you.” Then I look down at my hands. She reaches over and takes them in hers. After a beat she turns them over so my palms face the ceiling and begins to stroke my wrists. “I’m so sorry.” This is when I break.

“Shh…, it’s okay, baby.” She tells me as she places her right hand under my chin and lifts it until my eyes meet hers. She swallows hard before saying, “I was upset with you for a long time. Then I was just so angry.”

“I understand.” I tell her and try to look away, but she grabs me and pulls me back.

“You owe me this.”

I nod and don’t avert my eyes again.

“I know now it didn’t have anything to do with me, but it fucked me up for a long time. No matter who I was with, even my husband, I still thought about you and wondered ‘what if’. We never even got a chance and I felt cheated. I couldn’t believe you just…” This time it’s her eyes which wander and they stop at the open wounds running up my wrists.

I get up and sit down in the booth beside her. For the first time ever I take her in my arms and hold her tight. We weep together until neither of us have any tears left.

“How did you…” I start to ask as I hand her a napkin.

“Cancer.” She takes it and wipes her eyes. “I battled it for two years until one night I went to sleep and was just gone.”

“I’m glad it was peaceful and you’re not hurting anymore.” I tell her.

“You’re still the same.” She says as she touches my cheek another time. “I came here to tell you two things. One: I forgive you.” She leans in and presses her lips against mine, filling my body with a warmth I’ve been lacking since I first came to this place. She breaks the kiss and leans in closer until she’s right against my ear and whispers, “Two: I’ve got a room nearby and we have so much catching up to do.”

We don’t say another word as we exit the booth and make our way to the exit. As I open the door and hold it for her I notice the cuts which once marred my wrists and forearms have vanished without so much as a scar. Before I cross the threshold I glance back at the regulars. I hope some day soon this door opens for them to find their angel which will lead them out of the Purgatorio and grant them peace.

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